My friend Amanda posted this on Facebook rather than on her blog, so I have pasted it here for people to see. I have thought about the decline in hospitality over the years and think we are much poorer as a society as a result. Amanda said it beautifully.
Hospitality Regrets
Last night I attended a party thrown by a woman who is my parent’s age. I didn’t realize the plans she had! Crystal, silver, china as well as the guests names were set at places with gifts. A menu was planned and games were so organized that she matched playing mallets to colored and numbered buttons for her guests to wear. The winner of the games were given choices of necklaces, bracelets, and rings to enjoy. Dessert was cheesecake with berries, chocolate and other toppings. Conversation was lively and the guests who attended were fun and wise.
What, then, was to regret? The table set had perhaps ten place settings, adorned with names of desired company and gifts. Only half the ladies who were committed to going were there. Those missings had their titles proudly displayed at the head of their plates but the plates did not have the smiling faces behind them.
I have seen an attitude prevelent among people my age and younger. The situation at this woman’s party is not rare. I have no problem inviting 100 people to my parties, knowing only 20 will come whether their RSVP was ‘yes’ or ‘no’. No doubt I have exhibited it myself: selfishness in the extreme. Why do we not follow through with commitments? So many reasons! We think our presence is so important and desired that to tell a person who would like to bless us (or even who we might pity) ”No, I’m busy (otherwise committed or even need to stay home that night)” would crush their delicate spirit. We want to keep ALL doors open until the last two minutes so we can choose what most suits our tastebuds at that moment. And more. We’re so used to being catered to and taken care of and made-up for by friends and especially family, that we have no thought of other’s investment and sacrifice. We do not see the importance of recieving grace faithfully, allowing others to express it in their service and love and devotion to the all gracious Lord.
Let me tell you what the consequence was for you who missed:
A decision by the hostess to NOT include women of your/my age bracket again. So, not only did you miss out on a wonderful night but you have created a spirit of discouragement, a spirit who no longer desires to serve you and who will no longer bless others in the future because your lack of ability to either recieve a blessings or respond with a polite ‘no’. You cost her quite a lot of money as she invested in the food and the gifts to serve you. You cost her a lot of time and hard work as she neglected other responsibilities to clean and prepare for a night to spoil you.
May this be a reminder to me, who is guilty of this too often. And may I say “Thank you so much”.
Let me encourage you to commit one way or the other to invitations, and requests for help, promptly so there is time for other parties to be invited if you decline, or for the host to invest and prepare. Let your yes be yes and your no, no.
I wish more people would really think about this. We are poorer as a society at large but also as smaller communities becoming increasingly devoid of such genteel gatherings. Personally, I still have warm memories of a wonderful luncheon you hosted at your home some years ago Fran.
Thank you, Kim. I love to entertain, but alas, I have had similar experiences to what Amanda posted, and I have gotten discouraged. I was once told by a friend that RSVP’s were a useless formality and people should assume you are attending! (I think it is a bit presumptuous to assume that).
Probably the worst experience was when we invited some “dear” friends to Thanksgiving dinner and the food was all prepared when the phone rang. The wife wanted to confirm that we would be watching the football game during dinner, and when I responded that we would not be watching the game, she said, “then we won’t be able to come.” I have forgiven, but I’ll probably never forget how stunned and disappointed the whole family was!
I can tell you, Fran, that you and Larry are the epitome of gracious and generous hosts. Afternoons and evenings with you and your family were very special occasions indeed! I suspect those unfortunates who elected to forgo a wonderful Thanksgiving with you because they could not watch television whilst eating are still today attempting to digest their tin foiled chemically preserved microwave blasted factory produced TV dinners. Alas for the barbarians in our midst.
Ah yes, I have been here too! I guess RSVP’s are dinosaurs of the past–you know, “tradition, tradition?” Some people want nothing to do with “tradition.” What is wrong with the social grace of responding with a yes or no? I have had the experience of being thanked for the “lovely invitation” and being left with the thought the individual is coming, preparing for a certain number of guests, and then being left in the lurch with too much, or wondering if I will have enough for the invited guest(s) who never bothered to respond but showed up anyway! And in my experience, age of the invited guests was not a factor. I am left wondering if the “barbarians in our midst” are trainable!
Hi Marie! Those of us in the military (especially Officers) are routinely provided with the rudimentaries of social graces; how to respond to a formal invitation, when to appear, how to dress, etc. We call this ‘Knife and Fork School’. Whilst we chuckle at the notion during such instruction, what we learn can prove critical, and the protocols do indeed stay with us. In all of this, it is assumed that one possesses a modicum of social graces and the art of tact. So, when you ask if those committing such social misdemeanors can learn to tailor their behaviors to practices with which they are not familiar or comfortable, the answer is ‘Certainly’. But, are they willing to do so? Ah, now that’s the rub.
In the end, I have to ask myself this; if the barbarians called me at the last moment, saying that my dinner and friendship were of less importance than watching television, would I (having later received a dinner invitation from those folks), have sufficient gumption to wait until the last moment, call and ask if recordings of Mozart Masses were to be played during dinner, and then refuse to attend if the inevitable answer was no. Would such an act turn into a learning moment for the original offenders? I think not. Would the stunned silence on the other end of the line provide me with a brief bout of ear-to-ear smiling self-satisfaction? I believe, my answer to that is best left unspoken for the moment.
I think it is only naval officers who have “knife and fork” school. We never saw anything like that in the Air Force and often thought how much it was needed. You are truly an officer and a gentleman, Andy. We need more of you in our midst.
What a timely post Fran! I agree as well, that sadly, hospitality, grace, and politeness are fast becoming forgotten arts. My mother puts on an annual Thanksgiving feast complete with name tags, china, crystal, and multiple forks and spoons.
It is lovely and we all love and talk about these feats of beauty. However, it is becoming less common to serve via hospitality and I am guilty as well. Thank you for reminding me that hospitality is just another way to serve our family and friends, even though it is a struggle for some of us 
.